


Bubble Gum, Breathing, And Other Heartbreaking Things

by Semi_problematic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bullying, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 16:43:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15644793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Semi_problematic/pseuds/Semi_problematic
Summary: Dean liked girls with long hair. Sam liked Dean.





	Bubble Gum, Breathing, And Other Heartbreaking Things

Dean liked girls with long hair. Sam liked Dean. Dean liked lots of things on girls. He liked when they had long legs and wore his clothes. He liked when their lips were slick and shining with lipgloss and he liked when they smelled like him after sex. Sam didn't like any of those things, but he did like Dean, so he tried his best to be Deans type.

Sam had long thin legs and pink lips that always had strawberry chapstick on them. (Deans favorite flavor.) After many arguments with John and a few months with no haircuts, Sam had long hair like a girl, too. It was curly and hard to tame, but it was long enough to pull back whenever it got too much in the way. Sam had bone structure like the girls in the magazines Dean looked at, too, but he wasn't short like them. He was lanky, seemingly growing an inch a day since he turned sixteen. 

Being Deans type was hard. Boys yanked his hair and called him every mean name in the book. Girls made sure to avoid him because apparently he was a freak. Sams day wasn't complete until John slurred out some rude comment about Sams hair and how his voice was too high pitched for his age. Even Dean joined in sometimes, telliny Sam that he would be a ugly girl and needed to cut all that hair off. Sam tried to ignore the comments, especially the ones from Dean. Dean didn't really mean it, Sam was sure of it. 

Slowly, Sam did each thing Dean said he liked in a girl. He snagged lipgloss from a girl in his math class and he wore red, which was Deans favorite color on a girl. Sam made sure to hunch down whenever he could so that Dean seemed to tower over him. Sam focused on only toning certain muscles in his body like his legs so that his curves were in more feminine areas. Sam even stole a few hairclips from a cheap store, but he kept those hidden. Dean would surely laugh at that. 

No one liked Sam, but slowly, Sam was falling in love with himself. It took a few weeks but he finally found a hairstyle that worked for him that didn't involve cutting a year and a halfs worth of hair off. Dean said it looked like a mop, but Sam disagreed. It looked like Kelly from Utah's long brown hair and he could remember Dean adoring that. 

Sam even started shaving for Dean. He ran to the store after school to pick up a pack of cheap razors and locked himself in a steamed filled bathroom. It took about an hour to get his legs, arms, armpits, and anywhere else that needed to be shaved completely smooth. When Sam left the bathroom he had an entire new appreciation for all the things women do to amount to mens standards. It was insanely hard and Sam cut himself at least five times. 

After two years of hard work, Sam was almost exactly like the girls Dean hit on. His long hair was nearly to his shoulders and all the split ends were gone. His lips were slick with lipgloss and his eye lashes were long and curled. Sam knew how to stand to look petite and he squeezed into the smallest of clothes to make sure his muscles were outlined. He still had yet to grow into his limbs and there were no hope for his hips widening, but other than that he was almost a mirror image. 

There was one difference between Sam and the girls Dean adored. The girls Dean adored were liked. Boys hit on them and girls wanted to be their best friend. Teachers liked them and no one ran into them in the hallway. Boys hated Sam and girls constantly gosipped about him. Between the two groups an ongoing joke was created, was Sam a boy or a girl? Apparently, no matter the state Sam was in, boys weren't allowed to be pretty, especially if it was for other boys. 

"Hey, Winchester." Parker Ryan called from two rows away. "Why are you wearing lipgloss? You look like a girl."

Sam rolled his eyes. Boys always seemed to talk trash about girls but then wanted to date them. He didn't get it. "Looking like a girl isn't a bad thing."

"But being a faggot is." Jason Summers said from behind Sam. He jabbed his eraser into the back of Sams neck. "You tryna be a girl so guys will actually like you?"

"Why?" Sam smirked. He was mouthy for someone who never fought back. Sam didn't like being trained to kill. He rather get his ass beat and walk it off than hurt someone. "You interested?"

Flames were almost visible when Jason stared at him. His mouth was hanging open and his eyes were wide. Sam had to stop himself from laughing and making the situtation worse, but he couldn't help it. Bullies were always so shocked when someone talked back. "Freak."

Sam had been bullied almost his entire life and for the most part it didn't hurt, it was just a bother. Slapping his books out of his hands and shoving him didn't humiluate him, it only annoyed him. Sam stopped crying over bullies the same time he stopped crying over Dean liking other girls, which was months ago. The word "freak" still got to him, but he knew how to not let it show. It was fun shocking them. Clapping back and seeing their confidence crumble. 

Sam should have known better, though. He was on the brink of making the boys snap, like how Dean snaps when he comments about how much he drinks. Theres just some things you don't do. 

"Is that all you got?" Sam asked, cocking his head to the side. It was fun pushing their buttons. Its what they deserved for all the harassment, anyway. The boys are lucky Sam didn't want revenge. He just wanted to play a game. 

Playing with fire always got him burned, though, or at least thats what John would say. Not that Sam would listen.

"No." Jason replied all too proudly. He spit his gum into his hand and looked up at Sam with an evil glint in his eye. He grabbed a handful of Sams hair and yanked him back against the seat. Jason pulled the gum apart and pressed it against Sams hair, staying silent.

The class erupted in a fit of laughter, heat crawling up Sams neck. Bullies normally clocked him in the mouth or threw a few more slurs at him. He had gotten cut and broken a few too many bones, but no one ever did something like this. 

Sam could feel the gum sticking against the back of his neck as the boy continued to smear it around. He was in shock. Like always. John always screamed at him for it on hunts. That monsters wouldn't give him time to comprehend it and make a choice. He had to react on animalistic instinct only. Sam stuffed his hand into his pocket, the tears welling up in his eyes turning into anger. He traced the cool outline of his knife, staring forward. He was shaking. His instinct told him to make the boy hurt as much as he did. 

The final bell of the day stopped him though. The class filed out, walking away as if they hadn't torn years of confidence from Sams grip. The teacher, who had been in the hallway with another teacher, came back inside just to tell Sam to leave.

As Sam collected his things and walked towards the door, the shock of it all wore off. His hair was ruined. The hair he fought and beg to grow out was ruined. The gum was down low on his neck and up high near his part. He would have to shave his head to get it all out. 

Dean likes girls with long hair and after today Sam won't have long hair.

By the time Sam reached the parking lot he was holding back sobs. His feet were heavy as he stumbled towards the sidewalk, keeping his head down. The bangs that once covered his face were now held back by chewing gum. Sams legs felt weak and part of him wanted to collapse on the sidewalk and lay there. Lay and cry. It was tempting, but Sam was already pathetic. Growing out his hair just for Dean to love him. Being pretty like a girl just so Dean would care. Dean would never love him and Dean would never care. 

Dean liked girls and Sam was not a girl. He didn't have the big boobs Dean oggled at. His long hair was ruined. His lips were always slick with lipgloss, but it was cheap. He was cheap. A pathetic knock off compared to the girls Dean loved. Sam would never have the tiny frame and the full lips Dean loved to kiss. He would never fit into skirts and be able to make Dean fall head over heels for him. He was stupid to think he ever had a chance with Dean. He was an idiot.

When Sam reached the cheap motel they stayed in the gum was drying against his hair. There was never a use in fighting it, it would only get worse. That's how things worked for Sam. They only got worse. He could see Dean through the motel window and it only broke his heart more. Dean would think hes ugly. Sam shrugged off his book bag and pulled his hood up, wiping his eyes. His cheeks were red and stained with tears. Sam dug his key out and slipped it into the lock, turning it slowly, praying Dean didn't notice.

Sam pushed the door open, dropping his bag on the floor. His eyes were trained on the ground, studying his feet with each step he took. Dean couldn't see him like this. He was already ugly, but the gum in his hair made it worse. It showed Dean that he was still a loser. 

"Sammy?" Dean called happily. Sam wondered if the girls he dated got a different tone of voice. "Sam?" He twisted around in the couch, Sam could hear it. "Are you okay?" No. "Buddy, hey-"

"Leave me alone." Sam meant to sound angry but his voice cracked. "Please, Dean, I don't wanna do this right now. I just want to take a bath and do my homework." He walked into the bathroom. 

"You can when you tell me whats going on." Dean climbed off the couch and followed Sam towards the bathroom. "You always hug me when you come home, somethings up-"

"Its nothing." Sam had to stop himself from screaming at Dean. It wasn't Deans fault that he didn't love him back. "Please-"

"Those people are messing with you again, aren't they?" Dean grabbed the back of Sams jacket, pulling him back. As he pulled him back, Sams hood came off, revealing half hard chewing gum tanlged in Sams hair. "Oh, Sammy..." Dean soundes heartbroken. Sam knew how that felt. 

"Leave me alone." Sam whimpered. He didn't try to pull away. He was sinking, falling back into the hole filled with leather and gun powder. Sam turned around and pressed his face to Deans chest, drowning in him. "Leave me alone..." 

"Its not that bad." Dean wasn't a good liar for someone who lied a lot. "Sammy, I swear, its not that bad." Why was it so easy to love him? It was more natural than breathing. "I know you don't like short hair cuts, but I can give you one like mine. It can look good, really good. I'm good at that stuff-"

"I just want you to hold me." Sam whispered. He reached up and touched his hair, a sob ripping through his body. "My hair, Dean, its ruined-"

"It'll grow back." It wasn't that simple. Dean didn't like girls who were growing out their hair. "Its okay, Sammy." Sam wished Dean would talk to him like a pretty girl. "I think you're handsome no matter what." But not pretty. Never pretty. Sam wasn't a girl and he wasn't Deans girl so he could never be pretty. "But yeah, Sammy, I'll just hold you..." 

"Thank you." Sam whispered. Drowning didn't feel real bad. The living was the hard part. Being ripped from the water, being ripped from Dean, after everything felt so good. "I love you."

"I love you." Dean whispered. Not in the same way. "I love you." He repeated. Not like he loved girls. "God, Sammy, I love you." Dean was crying now, or at least he sounded like it. 

Dean liked girls with long hair, but he loved Sam, even if it wasn't in the same way. Unlike Dean, Sam was good at lying to himself, telling himself Dean could love him back, so maybe if he pretended long enough, it would stop hurting. Sam pressed his face to Deans neck, took a deeo breath, and plunged back into the water.

**Author's Note:**

> The ending sucks ik


End file.
